“Sometimes it's okay to upset people,” says one North Otago woman who has been on the receiving end of alleged inappropriate online behaviour. (4-minute read)

Women need to stop worrying about being polite, or “being a good girl”, and start speaking up, she says.

In Sergeant Blair Wilkinson’s 30 years as a police officer, online harm has gone from non-existent to an issue police are commonly faced with, although it is still largely under-reported, he says.

Sgt Wilkinson, who has been policing in Ōamaru for 15 years, says it comes up regularly here. And everywhere.

“It's nothing unique to Ōamaru.”

Police hear of unreported situations, through interactions with other organisations working with young people, he says.

“So we're hearing a lot - in addition to what's been formally reported - anecdotally, we're hearing of a lot of harm that relates to people's communications online in the community.”

What falls under the umbrella of online harm is nuanced. It can range from unwanted messages, particularly if they are from an adult to a person under-16, to threatening somebody, to soliciting pictures or nudes. 

There are crimes which fall under the Harmful Digital Communications Act of 2015, and some others come directly under the Summary Offences, Crimes or Harassment Acts. 

“And so it's difficult for anybody, for an individual who's receiving messages that cause a concern, to know which of those acts are likely to have been breached.”

He says a person getting messages that make them feel unsafe or victimised should report it to the police.

“Then we can analyse it and see whether there's any criminality in it, and even if there's not, sometimes there'll still be something in it that's concerning to us.

“That can include if the messages have been sent by somebody who we've previously dealt with for inappropriate behaviour - then that can be a factor which would warrant more of a response.” 

"If it's expressing an attraction for somebody or a romantic interest or something like that, and it's not reciprocated and that's been communicated, you know, ‘I'm not interested’, and it persists, that would very quickly move into the realms of harassment and quite possibly a breach of the Harmful Digital Communications Act, just depending on the nature of the messages and any images attached.”

Another factor taken into consideration by police, is the age of the targeted recipient. Those under the age of 16 are protected under specific pieces of legislation and those under 18 under others.

“So if we've got somebody who is outside someone's normal sphere of acquaintances, and there's a considerable age difference, then that could be an alarming factor as well.”

Social media, texts and the numerous online platforms which have come along in the last three decades have all come with problems, Sgt Wilkinson says.

“Digital harm is a huge factor for us. Most of the issues that we are dealing with in schools now relate to either poor decisions or bullying online.”

If it's a teenager-to-teenager issue, the police will first identify whether any offences have been committed.

From there, deciding how to deal with that is the same as any other time police are dealing with a young person who has committed an offence.

Factors taken into account are the level of intent, the extent of the harm caused, and any previous behaviour of that young person. 

“It’s something that comes up regularly.”

Sgt Wilkinson says people need to be more aware of the risk in some of their behaviour.

Exchanging intimate images or nudes is “highly risky”. 

“We see a lot of harm come out of that, and that's not limited to young people. There are adults who are often affected by that behaviour as well.”

People might feel they have an anonymity with what they're doing online, but that doesn't exist, he says.

If somebody is concerned about something they're doing being made public - if it's going to be embarrassing or harmful to them - then they probably shouldn't be doing it.

Sgt Wilkinson suggests for people wanting more information around online harm and what is and isn’t lawful, Netsafe is a great resource.

But he adds that police are always open to receiving information.

“If people are getting unwanted messages . . . and they don't know how to deal with it, they can report something to the police and then it can be analysed as to whether it warrants further investigation,” he says. 

If somebody feels they are in immediate danger, they should dial 111, or for something less urgent, they can phone 105 or file a report online at the 10-5 website.

“That will generate a file which will then be assigned to somebody to assess and, if required, investigate. 

“And sometimes when those kinds of things are reported in isolation, they can seem relatively harmless, but looked at as part of larger picture, they can give rise to concerns which warrant a police follow up.”

Sgt Wilkinson says his key message for young people being affected negatively by somebody online, is to tell a trusted adult.

Amy’s* story

Amy* was a victim of unwanted digital contact from a man already known to her, and says it is difficult for her to put her finger on when things took an unwelcome turn.

“When he was in touch a lot initially and we kind of had open communication and I could see him as a father and a husband and as someone who contributed to the community . . . I enjoyed our interactions.”

But something shifted. The messaging became more frequent, and gifts began turning up in places where he knew only Amy would find them - sometimes chocolates, wine or hampers, and even money - would be left in her letterbox or the front seat of her car, for example.

“The secrecy attached to the gift giving, that was really - I knew that was wrong and it made me feel very uncomfortable and I tried to return them, but I couldn't, because he would say, ‘Oh no, but my wife will see and then she'll be upset’.

“So him being able to operate as a married, seemingly devoted husband and father, meant that for me to do anything, I would have had to upset that.”

She was also conscious of gossip that would go around the community as a consequence.

“So, suddenly he almost had me kind of trapped, because we have this shared secret, the shared secret of the gift-giving, and then I felt powerless that he had something, sort of, over me. And I think he felt that too. I think he started to feel like he was in a position of coercion. 

“And it was at that point when he started asking for pictures.” 

She would block him on one social media channel, and he would contact her through a different one. 

Because they lived in the same community, he would allegedly show up at her house unannounced, or find excuses to visit.

“And I suppose you're always worried that you're kind of complicit, that you're somehow going to get in trouble with people within his family or people within your own family.”

While Amy felt she made it clear the gifts and messaging were unwelcome, she had to continue to deal with the man in person, due to the nature of their day-to-day lives. 

It affected the way she went about her day. She tried to avoid face-to-face interactions, but felt like he always knew where she was. 

“A message would come through from him, or he would find another way to get hold of me and I would see his name on the screen and had that kind of feeling of anxiousness.

“Or I would see him driving behind me and so maybe I go a little bit too fast when I'm driving, or I go a different route and I'm not paying attention and I'm anxious, and I've got my children in the car and it just doesn't feel right. 

“It's like the clock is ticking on there being some kind of harm caused by this behaviour, even if he's not intentionally the perpetrator of that, he's created an environment of anxiousness and fearfulness that makes people behave in a particular way.”

Eventually, the attention died down, and Amy is not sure if she could have handled anything much differently, looking back on it.

“I wish I'd spoken to trusted people in my life much sooner for guidance, but I don't know what else I could have done really.  

“I had a fear of, like, when I was blocking him on things, that was a last resort because I didn't want him to think I was being overdramatic . . . or that he would be upset with me and there would be some repercussion. I don't know what that is attached to, but I wish I'd been firmer about how I let him communicate with me earlier.

“And I wish I reached out to people I knew would support me, to sort of get rid of that feeling of being complicit in a secret.”

When she became aware of other women, and worse, teenage girls, allegedly being contacted by the same man, she decided to take the matter to police.

“It gave me more urgency. I felt it was imperative . . . he can't seem to stop, and I didn't want anybody to go through what I went through, because it has far-reaching implications on all facets of your life . . . It made me think we need to do something so that we can hopefully stop him being able to do this.”

Amy wants women in any community to be aware that if they are being bothered by someone, they don’t have to be polite. 

It was her fear of being seen as “dramatic” or rocking the boat that kept her stuck in the situation for longer than she needed to be.

She was also prompted to talk with her teenager about how to avoid a similar situation.

“I would encourage families to have conversations around who's on social media . . . Be really aware of who your children are communicating with and if they are who they say they are, because it's just this place where people like him can operate.”

Amy thinks the whole issue of consent is really important.

“Because we can give consent about what we let other people do with our bodies or what we do with our bodies, but we don't really have consent around social interactions.

“So I think being really firm and really clear, and not being worried about being polite, being a good girl or whatever. Sometimes it's okay to upset people . . . just say please don't contact me,” she says.

She also encourages people to trust their gut.

"If someone's giving you a vibe, it's for a reason. You don't have to do anything dramatic, but you can choose to remove yourself from the situation.

“We've got lots of social constructs, you know, schools and committees and sports teams and so on, and if you don't feel comfortable in any of those spaces that you ‘should’ show up in, as a contributing parent or member of your community, talk to a trusted person and come up with a solution.

“And if someone's coming to you looking for a solution, they don't have to rationalise why they feel uncomfortable in the space, and we can support each other better by just going ‘if you've got the ick that's enough’.”

Maggie’s* story

Maggie* enjoys being relatively active on social media - she sees it as a way of connecting with the people she loves - and regularly posts photos and updates on her life.

Her experience of being targeted online also started as the occasional friendly message, but the attention quickly turned into persistent commenting on photos and private messaging, which she says took a “sleazy” turn. 

“He was asked to stop, but just continued until I had to block him from all socials.” 

Maggie’s interactions with this person were entirely online.

“And almost always private messages rather than open commenting,” she says.

“When comments started about my breasts - I was asked what size ‘the twins' were, which led to him describing how these thoughts had ‘affected’ his own body parts - I quickly shut the conversation down and asked him to stop messaging me, as he was married and it made me feel uncomfortable for myself and his family.

“Unfortunately, he continued, until eventually I blocked him.” 

Maggie spoke to her friends about the messaging, and the more she talked about it, the more she heard of others having similar experiences with the same man.

“When I was told young girls were being messaged I knew I had to speak out . . . I felt something needed to be done to protect them.”

What made the biggest impression on Maggie was how some people made her feel bad about sharing her experiences because they were worried about how it would affect the family of the alleged perpetrator.

“Perhaps this is stronger in a small town, I get that, but what if this was happening to your own daughter? 

“People are very quick to imagine themselves or their family in this situation if their husband or father was being inappropriate to women . . . but what about the women and young girls this is happening to? Do they not deserve to be protected?”

Maggie says she has tried not to let the experience affect how she lives her life now, but she does think twice before posting a photo of herself online. 

“For me, it’s my way to connect to my friends and family who live all around the world.” 

*The Waitaki App agreed to change Amy and Maggie's names to protect their identity.

Family or Sexual Violence

If you are a victim of family violence, sexual violence or there is someone that makes you fearful, threatens or harasses you, seek help as soon as possible. You have the right to be safe.

The following helplines available for people needing help:

• Safe to Talk  sexual harm helpline: 0800 044334, text: 4334, email: [email protected]
• Rape Crisis: 0800 88 33 00
• Women's Refuge: 0800 733 843
• Shine domestic abuse services  free call: 0508 744 633 (24/7, Live Webchat is also available)
• Hey Bro helpline  - supporting men to be free from violence 0800 HeyBro (439 276)
• Family violence information line  to find out about local services or how to help someone else: 0800 456 450
• Oranga Tamariki line for concerns about children and young people: 0508 326 459, email: [email protected],
• Need to talk? Free call or text: 1737 for mental health support from a trained counsellor
• Youthline: 0800 376 633, free text: 234, email: [email protected]
• Shakti - for migrant and refugee women - 0800 742 584 - 24 hours
• Elder Abuse Helpline: 0800 32 668 65 - 24 hours, text: 5032, email: [email protected]
• Hohou te rongo kahukura - outing violence - building rainbow communities free from violence
• You, me, us - promoting healthy queer, trans and takatapui relationships
• Sensitive Claims for sexual abuse (ACC) 0800 735 566.